Unresolved
by MissKirei
Summary: It's been months since Takumi left for Britain and his relationship with Misaki never progressed. Now, out of denial and emotional-Misaki has finally realized her feelings that have remained unresolved. What happens when she tries to face her own feelings without acting like she doesn't care? AU OC Dedicated to everyone who missed me :)


**Author's Note:**

 _I'm not back._

 _Yet._

As always, I'm going through a lot of things like University and Coaching classes, but that's another story. I've been more occupied mentally, and emotionally. This little one-shot is kind of personal, and I tried not to put this out there, but I realized I couldn't stop myself. So I just posted it. I didn't put much thought into this, just wrote what I felt. I'm sorry you're reading this, BUT I did change it into a fan-fic so I hope you like the idea of a confontational and emotional Misaki!

"Its been a year since Misaki last saw Takumi Usui, who now moved out to England to pursue his career and to finally face his family feuds. When he left, a lot of things remained unsaid between him and the amazing Kaichou. They remained friends and said their goodbyes silently, but now after a lot of time, Misaki finally realized some things that she should have realized sooner when she was living in denial of her feelings for the blonde pervert. Now, Misaki wants nothing more than to face her unresolved feelings for Takumi-before its too late."

 **"Unresolved"**

As I lay down freely underneath the clear blue sky, I felt free. I didn't remember when was the last time I had done this—probably years ago during my tender adolescent years when I used to chase my friends in the grass fields and we'd lay down huffing, sweating, laughing and giggling. The cool summer breeze would caress my face so gently that it would put even the most passionate lover to shame. That feeling of being free was something I always remembered, along with the smell of the carefree wind mixed with the earthy grass. That—is exactly how you have made me feel. Free as a bird, light as a feather. Your arms have always smelled of home and comfort on a rainy day. Yesterday was a day filled with realizations and confessions—not to anyone else, but confessions to my own self. I have gained a lot of clarity this past month. The chilly wind of last year took my delusions away—ones I couldn't rid myself of for the last few years. I could think straight again, because this time, I had no one to obsess myself over with, nobody to overthink about. I was alone, in solitude. This solitude made me see things in a better light than before, and I feel quite stupid for coming to this realization now, now that all bridges have been burnt, now that the only bond in between us is of 'acquaintances', now that you've rid yourself of me.

But, I simply cannot go on any further without voicing out what I feel—or felt, some years ago. I have tried to push this feeling down my throat with a glass of water, but it simply doesn't work. The more I try to push it away, the more it comes back—stronger than before. To be honest, I don't even have the strength to push it away anymore.

You have been kind, and caring since the start. Your touch has been as soft as the summer wind I keep talking about, but I didn't realize that you were hurting, while trying to keep me safe. You were destroying yourself, because of me. You were attached to me. You cared for me. Me? I was delusional, lost in my own world. I couldn't remember the simple things you told me about your day. But love, I do remember much more—like how you smelled when you first came to my house. I remember the texture of your hands as I held them in mine, once. I remember the pattern of your skin of your cheek when it stretched wide into a carefree grin and laugh. I remember how bright your eyes shone when you joked and teased me, and maybe that's why I was in a daze those days, because I was noticing these all things when you were just talking with me. Maybe that's why my mind used to go blank because my eyes concentrated on these small details, instead of the words that were coming out of your mouth.

I'd been pretty concentrated on one task those days—which was to shut my heart off and not catch feelings. Why? Because I was through with fooling and being fooled. Love was a joke, a cruel one, because I did not understand that time. Attachment and love have been soul-mates since the start but did I know? Not really, I may have an intelligent mind when it comes to academic shit but my heart is that of a child, it does not understand these complex things.

The heart of a child may not realize these complex things but it sure does notice. I could see that you had started to grow fed up of everything—and its not your fault. You're like that—passionate and genuine. You always give your best when it comes to having a bond. Because your love is pure, you always do your best to make any person feel great about themselves. Even if we talk about your love for your sister, Maria, I know you're always giving everything you can, to her. You're always up for putting a smile on anyone's face, I know. It's because you are this way, you share a part of your own soul the moment you form a bond with a person. Your love is that way, its your own way of showing someone how much they mean to you.

But me? I told you, I didn't understand this that time, so whenever you did something for me—I was left overwhelmed, speechless. My mind always went blank when it came to you, because nobody had done this for me before, I didn't know what love is, even though I had gotten my heart broken already. There was nobody who would do so much for me, without expecting anything back in return. I used to think what I did to deserve someone like you—someone so selfless, who wants nothing in return. But then as I lay down under the clear sky yesterday, I realized that I shouldn't feel guilty about it, because its your own special way of telling me that I mean something to you. That special way, can never be replicated.

I had a lot of feelings stuffed in my heart, which started to come out the moment I started to accept all these things. I had talked to a friend about this, and she had helped me understand these things. She's like you, and she made me understand…

I had unconsciously pushed my own feelings away in the past three years. I was pretty lost, everyone knows. But what I did as a defence mechanism was wrong too, to myself, and to you. At first I thought that I should let you push me away, I was always aware that I was doing damage to you, so if you're successful in throwing me out of your life, then what's the harm? You would get to get on with your life and move forward with happiness, you wouldn't have to bother about me anymore, because I thought that what you did for me now, was something you did out of obligation. Like you had to do it because you did it before. The day you re-recorded "I cannot live without you" and sent me, I had tears in my eyes, not because I was happy—but because I felt like I had become a burden to you. Even though we haven't met in approx. eight months, you still knew I was sad, somehow. I felt like you were sending that song to me out of sympathy, and I felt pathetic.

The line "I cannot live without you" is a lie.

Because I could see that you were perfectly capable of living without me. I saw your pictures, the words you wrote, the things you said—you had learnt to live without me. Well its not like you couldn't live without me in the first place, you chose to give me that much importance… but I was pretty happy the next moment—because somewhere within the deep dark corners of my soul—I wanted this to happen. I wanted you to push me away, to talk to me less, to ignore me like you do, to live a life in which "Rose" was just a flower, not a name. Why? Well…why not? I had caused you nothing but annoyance, wouldn't it be better if you moved on with your life.

Damn it, I wanted you to be happy.

I wanted you to fall in love with a pretty girl by now, one who would complete your sentences, one with long black hair who would laugh at your jokes and understand you. But you already had your soul-mate—reading books, didn't you? LOL, I wanted you to meet new people, be happy, fall in love, and all that shit. I was wrong. Because I wanted that—not you. You seemed content in your life, and I wanted to make it better, by staying away.

If you have managed to come this far, you now know how childish my mind and heart works.

The dark part of my soul didn't want to see you pictures anymore. Because I couldn't see that smile and know that I wasn't on your mind anymore. That part of me is selfish, because it wants to be in your life. I'm selfish and possessive that way, I want to be in your mind, to put a smile on your face and tuck a flower on your head and click a stupid picture which I would stare at all day because of how cute you would look. Hell, I would even show that picture to my friends and turn red when they would tease me with your name like I always do.

I've only seen you angry once in my life, and that was frightening. But I wanted to see that anger again. (Do I enjoy putting myself through pain? Maybe)…I wanted you to be mad at me and to yell at me and maybe put a slap across my annoying face, because that would be a validation of some kind—that yes, I did hurt you, and that I was ignorant of your feelings, and mine too. It would at least make me feel like at least I'd get a reaction from you.

But, you're not that kind of person. Because you have no expectations from me whatsoever, you wouldn't be angry at me. Because I've crossed all limits. All you do is smile and tell me not to over think, but guess what you asshole, that smile kills me, and haunts me. It makes me feel like I'm not even worth a reaction from your side.

You're probably not going to ever read this, but if you do—you can see how my mind is in shambles. I'm lost, confused and going insane with every letter I type. What did I realize after thinking so much? Maybe…maybe I had feelings for you back then. But I had pushed them away and refused to acknowledge them. Maybe I did. Maybe I still do. Maybe I do right now.

But

I'm sick of feeling like this.

I'm going crazy thinking and speculating. All I know, is that I don't want to be just another number in your contact list. I'm mad at myself because I left all these feelings unresolved. And me, of all people should have known that if you adore someone, let them know. And I should. This is why I wrote this, but maybe I won't have enough guts to show this, or maybe I might tell you all this to your face. I once thought that these feelings are consuming due to guilt, but they're not because of guilt. I'm not regretting any moment I spent with you. I just don't want to fade away from your life with unresolved feelings. I want to face them, and then maybe become friends or become strangers, whatever happens. I don't want to stay up thinking 'What could I have done', and this is why I penned this. I also think about our bond—was it friendship? Was it love? Or was it both friendship and love? But, its something more than these small words. Its something more precious, and I hope to cherish it as long as I can.

Thank you for reading this.

||READ||REVIEW||FAVORITE||FOLLOW||

/* **So, should I tell him too? (:** *\


End file.
